| not much sleep |
[09 Nov 2008|12:15am] |
i don't want to feel stifled by, the traditional sort of expectations of a decent relationship. like, why does everything have to fit so nicely in a perfect little box? are we losing out on something big when we do that? i start to feel disconnected with myself, if that makes any sense. like, two magnets repelling, sort of. but they can't repel because they're being held together by some resisting force. if i let myself sort of sit in that kind of state for too long, i become something of an empty shell. and i can't help but feel like i'm approaching that point. i don't feel so disconnected, YET. but i feel like i'm headed towards it.
and it's like i'm subconsciously trying to get out of this suffocating web of routine and false comfort before i even fly into it, but then i feel like, i can't just trust my predictions of impending indifference and such, because i might be wrong, so i almost feel obligated to stick it out until the end, where i will MOST LIKELY discover that in the end, the spider does, in fact, devour the very soul of the fly. and boy will i regret not backing out now, eh?
and if i really stop and think about it?
shit, if i really stop and think about it, it makes perfect sense-- just, ditch the fucking spider web, and move the fuck on!
|
|
| holy shit. |
[04 Nov 2008|02:37pm] |
look at this page, at these pictures.
these are the kinds of pictures i want to take. they're so, beautiful!!
clicky---> http://www.promiseyou.org/sacredplaces.html
but, seriously, wow. the images are perfect. ahhhh....
this makes me want to go on a photo adventure.
ASHLEY! let's go take pictures!
(haha... i don't think she ever checks lj anymore)
but, holy shit. really.
|
|
| holy shit! |
[08 Oct 2008|06:04pm] |
i couldn't remember my login name because it has been so long since i've been on livejournal. eek!
i wish i had a blog that was just for strangers, and not anyone who knows me in real life. because then i would SPILL. MY. GUTS. i suppose i could just go and create one right now, but it wouldn't be the same as it would if i had an established, stranger-only blog already!
anyway. hello again livejournal friends. how are you today?
i think i mostly go on livejournal when i'm in school. because i just started school a couple weeks ago. and whenever i should be doing my homework, i go on here instead :)
you remember that feeling you get when you're in elementary school and you have a crush on someone? it makes my stomach hurt! is it horrible that i get crushes when i've got a boyfriend of three years? haha.
yikes. i know this entry is jumping all over the place, but i promise my thoughts will flow better once i get used to writing on here again.
|
|
| oh how the tables have turned |
[12 Jun 2008|02:01am] |
don't you hate it when you realize that you are just combination of all the things you hate in other people? nothing more than that, really... it sucks. and i've never actually stopped to think about it until today, but, i've concluded that my own opinion of myself is ENTIRELY dependent on other people's opinions of me. completely. if everyone loves me, i love me. if everyone hates me, i hate me.
fuck!
sure people wanted to hang out with me for ONCE in my life, but i couldn't most of the time 'cause i had school and homework. but NOW! oh, of course, now that i'm out of school, and have loads of free time? everyone stops calling, stops answering, stops trying, stops inviting, stops everything, and i'm back to where i was in high school: sitting on my floor, in my room, thinking about how much people suck, and then i eventually fall asleep on the floor and wake up hours later.
fuck fuck fuck.
what do i have to do, huh?
|
|
| scrizzeenplay |
[04 Jun 2008|10:56pm] |
15 pages of my screenplay are due tomorrow, but i'm stuck because i don't even know where my protagonist works. i only know that i'm going to get him fired in the next scene. but from where? hahaha
suggestions/random occupations would be appreciated :) i'm having writer's block and am at the point where i'm looking around my room for an idea, and, it's not working.
|
|
| x-posted on facebook, but you wouldn't have known anyway! |
[02 Jun 2008|02:30pm] |
i believe in green eggs & ham, baby. and i don't diggit when people have the gall to say they think less of someone because their beliefs, or in this case, beverage of choice, differ! like, i am becoming more aware of how certain people in my life are of the narrow-minded variety. and it is most disheartening.
if i reveal too much, i will probably, ultimately feel how a hot dog must feel when a person discovers its true contents.
one second, you're a ketchup-covered miracle in a bun, and the next second, you're just an abomination in the form of a tube. ya know? and i don't wanna feel ashamed of all the bits of proverbial "mechanically separated chicken" that make up who i am!
every bit should be cherished, should it not?
when i love someone -- and i mean love in the platonic, romantic, AND familial sense-- i love them for the good stuff, AND for their flaws. hell, the flaws are the best parts, are they not? and if anyone can't return the same courtesy to me, then i am inclined to distance myself from that person.
i mean, i haven't revealed all my ingredients, but it's like when someone says, "man, i hate people who eat oreos!" as you are wiping oreo crumbs from your face. like, they don't know you just ate oreos, but if they did, would they extend their hatred to you as well, even though you're supposed to be friends? haha. i don't know if any of this is making sense to anyone but me, but yeah. it sucks!
|
|
|
[02 May 2008|09:11pm] |
i like to attribute my friend-drought to my intense dislike of people. yeah, that's it.
but really.
yesterday, i had such a strong feeling of HATE towards everyone on the planet, that i almost had to walk out of class and go cry in the bathroom. it was kind of overwhelming, and was provoked by something really trivial: stupid girls in the back of class giggling. i want so badly to yell at them. but instead i keep it all in, which results in my hating the world. it just started to fade a bit today. and people don't suck so much. but they still suck. and i know that after class on monday, i'll feel like puking from all the hate.
sigh!
man. sometimes i think there might be something wrong with me.
but, eh, i'd rather stick with thinking it's just everyone else.
|
|
|
[28 Apr 2008|08:17pm] |
i am:
depressed.
i failed my drive test. for such stupid stupid reasons.
and now i have to wait a month, to take it again?
shit, son.
until then, i have to continue bumming rides, and
taking the bus, and WASTING MY TIME waiting.
i'm really truly feeling depressed right now.
how pathetic am i.
a twenty year old.
who can't pass a driving exam?
fuck.
|
|
|
[18 Apr 2008|08:07am] |
i have found my drink!
i've been wasting money, every day, buying an espresso at school. i've gotten to the point where i get terrible headaches when i go without coffee. sad, i know. but anyway. i figured out what i like the best: an 8oz, nonfat, double shot, white chocolate mocha. it has to be that size and everything, haha. it's weird - i used to like it when my coffee was just barely coffee, and mostly sweet, but now i like it strong, haha. i never thought the day would come.
in other news!
i am one flabby sunuvabitch. like, i can feel my bones because they aren't padded with much muscle - just fat, haha. wait, not funny. i almost want to start exercising or SOMETHING just to be less of a flabby wimp. i want to start going for hikes, actually! i think hiking is super fun, haha. i didn't think it was my bag, until i went hiking in greece. so maybe i ought to take my nerdy, and equally muscleless boy-friends hiking with me... and we can unflab ourselves together, haha.
bleh. really though.
and, i'm thinking about quiting my baby photographer job. it's just, the MOMS, they're too much sometimes. they get on my nerves. they're waaaaay too emotional, and needy, and self-centered. i mean, even cute babies can't make up for that :/ what do you think, eh? quit baby photography and get more hours at hollywood video?
|
|
|
[17 Apr 2008|08:52am] |
today, i was listening to the beatles. more specifically, their song "onion glass", which references several of their other songs. the first verse mentions strawberry fields, and then the second refers to i am the walrus, and so on.
so i was listening up until that verse, at which point i had to turn off my mp3 player because a) my battery was nearly dead and b) i was in line for some coffee and needed my ears. and THEN, simultaneously, strawberry fields starts playing in the coffee shop, and some obnoxiously loud guy on his cell phone was saying on the phone, "who sings that i am the walrus song?? i've had it stuck in my head since this morning, and i don't know who it's by! oh, you don't know? man, that's going to bug me!" so, because i felt it my duty at that point, i walked over and tapped this guy on the shoulder. he looks over at me and i say "the beatles" and he looks a bit puzzled, so i say, "i am the walrus? it's by the beatles."
anyway! my point is: how ODD is that! what a coincidence, yeah? hearing both songs played & mentioned directly after having listened to glass onion? and then it ties back to the weird connections i experienced while listening to john lennon. so weird! haha.
really though. my life the past couple weeks, has been a series of strange connections and coincidences. it makes life seem like it just might have some kind of meaning. the operative word being seem. but still~! neat stuff, i'd say :D
|
|
| how john lennon may have gotten me a new job. |
[11 Apr 2008|08:07am] |
okay, so i'm reading this book, right? it's about a murder that went down in 1959, and it questions what roles fate, accident, and free will play in our lives. so i've sort of let myself roll along with the idea of fate lately. if anything seems to be a sort of "sign" of what i should do, i do it. pretty much. so anyway!
i guess it all started, really, with finding announcements of my grandpa's funeral in my carry-on luggage 2 days ago. my mom used my bag, see, so i was just cleaning it out. and i was like "hmm, what's this fancy card thing in here?" and i open it up expecting some kind of impersonal mass-printed greeting with the signature of a relative i've never met at the bottom, like some sort of christmas card. but then i opened it up. and it gave the whole "in memory of..." with the birthday to the death date. which happen to be the same date in this case - just a different year. and THAT, is what gave me the idea for my screenplay.
so i get to school a few hours earlier than i need to so i can force myself to work on homework and... write on livejournal, evidently. ha. but anyway. there was this GUY in my first class that gets to school early as well, and he seems to think it's okay to approach & converse with a girl who has her head buried in a book, and headphones blasting in her ears. so anyway. this guy interrupted my studies to talk about things i don't CARE about. but i'm too nice to say "hey man. i'm trying to do my homework. shoo!" so i sit there, and i listen to his stupid fucking stories. and i smile, and i nod. and i occasionally shoot some small talk back, to make things less awkward. but anyway! yesterday morning, when i get to school, i scoured the building for a place to sit that a)didn't have any other seats next to, and b) was sort of well-hidden and inconspicuous. all so that guy wouldn't bug me again. because he seemed to think we were buddies after that first painful session. and then!
i'm sitting here, frantically scrawling across my notebook, trying to write down my ideas for my screen play before they dissipate into thin air, with my headphones in to block out the conversations of people around me ('cause i get distracted by opportunities to eavesdrop on strangers), and also as a people repellent - because generally, people know if someone is wearing headphones, they probably don't want to talk to you. they want to listen to their music. so you leave them alone, right? generally, yes. assuming you have SENSE and consideration... but this guy! the guy from the other day. he found me! and he leaned over into my line of sight to say, "how's the writing going?" on the assumption that i could even hear him past the music blasting in my ears. and i could, unfortunately.
so. i take off my headphones. "good, actually. i just got an idea and i'm trying to write my thoughts down before i forget them" which was MY way of hinting that i need to get back to it, or i'll forget! but then he continues, "yep.. well, i took that test in linguistics yesterday. boy was that hard!" and this test he refers to is something he mentioned to me the day before, which i didn't ask to know, and didn't care about. so the fact that he is bringing it up to me again sort of pisses me off, because what makes him think i give a shit? i don't! but alas, i pretend to.
so he starts blabbing, and i cannot get back to my screenplay because he will not shut up. and then it's about time for class, so i get up and put my shit in my backpack and he goes "oh, you know we don't have class today. the teacher's sick. there was a sign on his door." sigh. there went THAT escape plan. so i say "shit! well, i should use this time to go talk to my math teacher, i need to ask him some things and this is his only office hour." so i proceed to get up and get the fuck outta there, and the guy FOLLOWS ME! he walked around with me like we were FRIENDS or something. i fucking hate it when people can't take hints. i try to be nice. i don't WANT to hurt anyone's feelings. but it gets to the point where i HAVE to. and, this isn't the first time this has happened. it seems to happen at least once a year. i hate it. i'm not a loner merely because of circumstance, i'm a loner by choice, too! when i'm sitting alone, it doesn't mean i wish someone would come talk to me. it means i hate people, and i want to be left alone.
and i know, this guy's gonna ask to hang out some time. ask for a number, or give me his. i KNOW it's going to happen. so, i'm trying to devise a plan to avoid that. i might have to latch onto some poor girl in our screenplay class. because i bet if i got all buddy-buddy with some girl, he wouldn't approach me. because what is more scary than a multitude of girls? i mean, you can't hit on a girl in front of her friends, because the minute you walk away, they'll all start laughing. so i want to scare him away with that. so, i have to force myself to befriend some of these girls in my class.... gawd, i fucking hate approaching people.
but anyway! fast forward to YESTERDAY. i learned my lesson, right? i walked to the farthest end of campus and hid from that senseless boy. i was walking around and around trying to find a decent place to sit. and i'm listening to john lennon. and this song comes on with bells, like the sound of a big clock, right? it comes on right when i am at a crossroads. there are two sidewalk-paths - which one should i take? i look down one, which i'm more familiar with, and i look down the other, and at the end of it, there stands: a big clock! and i'm looking at it, with the sound of a clock ringing out of my headphones at the same time! so i followed the path towards the clock. (my other reason being that, i took a bath yesterday for the first time in like 12 years, while i listened to this same john lennon album. and JUST as i got out of the tub. just as i sat my second foot down on the bath mat, the album finished. it was such perfect timing. and i thought it rather odd. so that weird synchronization stuck with me, and was still with me when i saw/heard the clock.) so anyway! i walked toward the clock.
and when i get there, i find THE perfect spot. the spot where i'm sitting right now, actually. it's a little area, tucked away under a set of stairs, in a very quiet, very warm, very secluded little room. there are couches, and computers. two, but only one works. so i sit down in front of it. this one. and i think, hmm. what should i do on this computer? i know! i'll fill out some online applications so i can get myself another job! but all i could think of, was hollywood video. i couldn't think of a single other place. and, i've applied to hollywood video about 3 times before, without a call back, but i still really wanted to apply. so i did.
within the hour, i got a call back. and now i have an interview today. and, i'm pretty confident i'd get this job because, a) i'll help them meet their ethnic quota, haha, and b) i have TWO YEARS of experience working in a video store. so anyway! that is how john lennon may have possibly gotten me a new job.
the end.
|
|
|
[06 Apr 2008|10:02pm] |
eek! it's been a long time. my excuse: school started, AHHH~!! my time is taken up by mostly reading, sleeping, and staring at the TV. sigh! after school, i like to watch sabrina the teenage witch (SUCH a good show, really!) and the bad girls club. because, the big black girl makes me laugh. ;D
my sister is coming in tonight. i like seeing her, but i know it's going to end up like this: she's going to make me pack the remainder of my belongings in a few boxes, and lecture me, and try to convince me to move to san diego with my parents. but, it's NOT going to happen! ... and she just KEEPS on pushing. so chances are, i will make myself invisible, and try to stay out of the house for as long as possible. because i'm avoidant, and the slightest bit of stress sends me into a major migraine headache. :(
anyway! i need to find another job, so i can make more money, so i can MOVE OUT, so my sister, and everyone else, will get off my back~!!! so... any marysvillians wanna hook me up with a job?
|
|
|
[17 Mar 2008|04:17pm] |
okay, sweet.
i'm still alive.
and guess what! greece was awesome :)
there's no legal drinking age over there. there's a buying age yeah, but it's only 17. even though i've only got a year before i'm 21, it was still fun to buy alcohol there. it ended up being the only thing i drank, consequently. so it's weird coming back here and restricting my beverage choice to exclude an entire section of the grocery store, haha.
i am too lazy to upload pictures to photobucket, so i'll just give you a link to my myspace photo album of paris and greece ;)
HERE ARE THE PICTURES~!!!!
and i have some more pictures in my "photography" album HERE.
sigh. i'm beyond jet lag. it's 9am over here, and i still haven't gone to bed. my sleep schedule is really weird now :/
|
|
|
[07 Mar 2008|02:20am] |
the obligatory pre-flight livejournal will:
leaving for paris, and then greece, tomorrow. which means, i'll be on an airplane for lots longer than i'd like. which means, there's a chance i might die in a fiery plane crash. and so. my will.
to ASHLEY, i leave the contents of my storage unit, which houses nearly all of my belongings. except! the rubbermaid tub labeled "photos" or pictures, or something to that effect. that will go to my parents - so they can add them to their bottomless pit of family photos. and the clothes i have hanging in the closet at my parents' house. and strewn about the floor in a mess. those are for ashley, too. i don't know what to leave gabe, though. my black sketch book? yes. and he'll HAVE to finish up my writing/illustrations for the children's book that i started in my sketch book. but, make it look better, and word it in that nice way you word things.
oh! and my DVD collection. it's in this navy blue adidas bag. that goes to ashley too. and you HAVE to watch star wars - but only the ones made in the 70s. not the new ones. but i don't own those anyway. but that's part of my will - that you HAVE to watch it. and you have to watch every episode of LOST. do it for me! oh and you also get my sewing machine. and you HAVE to make at least one thing (or work on something) every day! heehee.
okay? i love you all!
gabe: you'll never read this probably, and if i do die, you'll probably get over me in a few days. but, you're swell & i love you. i don't think i've ever gone a day without thinking about you. heehee.
ashley: you'll read this, and then hope i die probably, haha. that's okay, i guess. but here are some nice words to remember me by, or something: you're one of the very few girls that i can stand. and not only that, i love you! and i lvoe you ;) haha. oh, and treat my yellow chair a little more gentler than you did yours! haha. peace out, forevvverrr~!!!
oh yeah, and if somehow my parents find this: i love you two lots, even though i'm a brat and don't show it well. i always think it, so there.
okay. i don't want to get TOO sappy.
bye for now!
-Elizabeth
|
|
|
[22 Feb 2008|02:55pm] |
stole this from... one of you!
i changed it from 20 favorite movies to 15 though,
'cause i don't have enough time..
1. Pick 15 of your favourite cinema.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Fill in the film title once it's guessed.
5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions.
-----------------
1. You're like one of those clipper ship captains. You're married to the sea.
2. That rug really tied the room together.
3. What's that screaming? A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming...
4. Sand is overrated. It's just tiny, little rocks
5. Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond.
6. No! I'll make it very clear. you slip me the cash, and I'll slip you the wiener.
7. I just ordered some kick ass fireworks. Like, even the chinks are scared of this shit.
8. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
9. Four minutes, forty-eight seconds. We're all dead. Burned to a crisp.
10.Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder!
11.Pointless act! You don't give a 500 dollar tip to the housekeeper! That's inappropriate! That's inexcusable! That, I don't forgive!
12.That's a pretty fucking good milkshake. I don't know if it's worth five dollars but it's pretty fucking good
13.I heard they make tires out of camel toes
14.Oh my God, I'm getting pulled over. Everyone, just... pretend to be normal.
15.How am I not myself?
let's see how many you can get~! ;D heehee
|
|
|
[13 Feb 2008|10:43pm] |
that's aaron's cat. it lives at gabe's house, so i get to see it lots. reminds me of my late kitty sushi. sigh. i miss my little sushi cat. she was so sweet.
the other day, the following conversation took place...
THEM: okay, so you only work on the weekends, right?
ME: yep!
THEM: aaaand, you're not going to school, right?
ME: yep, uh-huh!
THEM: so.... what do you do during the REST of the week?
ME: ....
yeah. i didn't have an answer. because i realized: i don't do ANYTHING!
but i'm glad i had that conversation, because since then, i've been making sure that i make at least one thing every day :) and i have! and i feel like less of a bum. and i'm actually getting better/faster at sewing~! i think i might start selling my stuff, but i don't know. it's hard to put a price on something you made, you know?
but anyway! who's been keeping up with the 4th season of LOST? -- what do you think?!? amazing, isn't it?
|
|
| sleep doesn't come so easy. |
[04 Feb 2008|02:24am] |
home alone, can't sleep. too scared. of what? squeeks and creaks and the silence in between. eek! watching "talk sex" with ashley really helps curb the paranoia though, haha. and now i'm watching fresh prince of bel-air. trying to decide if i ought to sleep with the lights on, or off.
beep beep!
|
|
|
[28 Jan 2008|12:58am] |
i should be asleep right now!
i've been reading lately. i kind of have to in order to fall asleep. but it's kind of neat, 'cause, i've already gone through one & a half books in the past month! and that's a lot for me, since i'm a slow reader, and i always start books but never finish.
i read the bell jar, and i'm half way through fahrenheit 451. both of which, were read by everyone in high school already, and i suppose they're sort of staples, that i hadn't gotten around to until now. when i'm done with fahrenheit 451, i'm starting island by aldous huxley, because i think it's closely connected to LOST, which i am obsessed with.
heehee! i like to like things.
|
|
| finally! |
[20 Jan 2008|01:14pm] |
i have my instruction permit. heehee!
my mother let me drive the car in a school parking lot. and, gah! driving sucks! or rather, i suck at driving. and, er, yeah. i can just see myself meaning to slam on the brakes when a child runs out in the street and accidentally pushing down on the gas instead. ... shit.
in other news! i started my baby photographer job. i'm still training but jeez. it's going to be tough. people seemed turned off by my age. and i'm no good at making a baby stop crying, eek! so we'll see how that goes.
|
|
|
[14 Jan 2008|03:23am] |
bored, and can't sleep. so i'm looking up pictures of cute things on google image search, heehee!
and GOSH, isn't that the cutest little chub you've ever SEEN?!
ahhhh, so cute.
i want to make friends with a birdy!
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
disco_lizzy's journal